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Jan. 14-And you thought gossip about Britney Spears’
horrific MTV Video Music Awards appearance was over. Think again! Little did we know, Britney had the opportunity
to appear with famous illusionist, Chris
Angel, for her “comeback”. He would’ve made her levitate, turn into doves, and our personal favorite: disappear. We’re pissed she turned him
down. The famous Dannielyn, spawn of looser
Larry Birkhead and the late Anna Nicole Smith, is cross-eyed. No word yet on if Larry is making her act that way so he can get press. We
wouldn’t put it past him. And no, Kim Kardashian is not engaged to Reggie
Bush. But you shouldn’t worry, because
even if she were, we’re sure she’d still strip for you.
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Jan.4-Britney Spears has
done it again! We knew she couldn’t
stand having her sister, Jamie Lynn, be gossipy
America’s main attraction! This is almost
worse than Britney
Spears’ naked vajayjay splashed across
tabloids: Cops crashed her house last night, strapped Britney Spears down like a mental patient in Girl, Interrupted and took her to
Cedars Sinai Medical Center where she is now
undergoing psychiatric evaluation and is on suicide watch! The writers for the Days of Our Lives soap opera couldn’t do better! Jamie
Lynn Spears and Brithey’s dad are both in the
hospital with her right now. She’s not allowed to leave…because…she’s INSANE! In further celebrity news, Halle Berry is looking mighty
pregnant, Ellen Page is the new poster girl for lesbians
everywhere, and Natalie Imbruglia is getting divorced. Ah, what a wonderful day in the Hollywood hood.
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Jan. 3-Lindsay Lohan was spotted sipping Champagne at a New Year’s Eve party. Big deal. Except she’s supposed to be sober, so that’s like, mega
huge. Apparently Lohan realized what she was
doing and called her sponsor. Good for her. But what’s life without bubbly, fun Champagne once in a while? And in a very kinky, twisted sex
story, Kumari Fulbright, a 25-year old beauty queen
and law student, is accused of kidnapping, torturing, and robbing her ex-boyfriend. Don’t mess with this biznatch! She held him captive for a
good 10 hours with the help of some other thugs,
during which time she stuck a butcher knife in his ear, threatened his life, and bit him repeatedly. We know a lot of guys in Hollywood who
would pay good money for that kind of kinky
treatment! If only she’d gone on her insane tangent in Hollywood—she could be a millionaire! Finally, Katherine Heigl is married to Josh
Kelley, and now they’re moving in together.
Finally, someone in Hollywood with some good old-fashioned sense!
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Jan. 2-Jamie Lynn Spears is making US Magazine and her mama proud. Her story of teenage pregnancy is the highest-selling US Magazine
issue…ever! Coming in second? The story of big sis
Britney’s meltdown earlier this year. We can just picture the E! Channel exclusive in a year—The Spears Family: Making Careers out of Being
Train Wrecks. Maybe Jamie Lynn watched the
brilliant movie Juno and decided it might be fun to be pregnant, and, I don’t know, hang out with the baby’s future adoptive father,
because Jamie Lynn likes older men…way older men.
And Lindsay Lohan’s career is rivaling the Spears girls’ for “Biggest Plummet in 2007”. Her film, Georgia Rule was named the second
worst film of 2007 in a Moviefone poll. Lohan’s other
film, I Know Who Killed Me must not have been an option in the poll, because it easily was worse than Georgia Rule. Maybe they’re
saving it for a “Worst Movie of the Decade”
poll later on. Nice job Lindsay Lohan!
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Dec.28-What are the stars doing on New Year’s Eve? Kim Kardashian is hosting a very Playboy New Year’s party at Mansion. Paris and Nicky Hilton
are hosting a party at LAX in Vegas with
D.J. Am. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are hosting a party at the Shore, and Pamela Anderson’s heading up a bash at Pure in Caesar’s Palace.
Who’s supposed to have a big bash and might
be blowing it? Jay-Z! The rapper was supposed to host an outrageous party at his new Las Vegas club, 40/40, but his new club hasn’t passed
inspection. Unless the notorious rapper can pull
papers out of his bum, he’ll be refunding tickets and spending New Year’s in front of the TV eating Cheetos and watching the ball drop like the
majority of America. How ironic.
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Dec. 27-Santa must’ve skipped LA altogether this year—every star in it is on the naughty list! Mischa Barton, the “fresh” face of Keds put her
career on thin ice when she got arrested for a DUI
and for possession of illegal narcotics! She’s almost as good of a role model to young girls as Jamie Lynn Spears! Speaking of the
Spears family, Britney was spotted driving all over Los
Angeles aimlessly last night just to get her picture taken. Sorry, Britney, but your lil sis one-upped you on this one! Britney’s getting
pregnant is just about as shocking as Cher having plastic
surgery. Her 16 year-old sister pregnant? That’s hot news! And as if we didn’t already think Lindsay Lohan’s rehaboyfriend, Riley Giles, was
pukeriffic, he’s now trying to sell intimate photos of
the Mean Girls star. We could smell his eau de looser from miles away—why does Lindsay Lohan suck so much at dating?
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Dec.26-Jamie Lynn Spears is busy grabbing headlines! As if her shocking teenage pregnancy wasn’t enough, now there are reports that Casey
Aldridge, her on-again-off-again boyfriend, isn’t
even the father! In fact, sources think it’s a much older executive on her T.V. show, Zoey 101. That’s a Disney show. Shocking!
Although, is it really? Disney stuff has always had some
sex scandals going on. How about the scene in The Lion King where the sand swirls to spell S-E-X? Or the scene in The Little
mermaid where a priest gets an erection? Now instead
of trying to spot instances where horny animators slipped their drawings through to production, we can play “Watch Jamie Lynn’s baby bump!”
while watching Disney’s Zoey 101 with
our little girls. Thank you Jamie Lynn Spears and Disney for always being sexual innovators in the wold of entertainment!
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Dec. 21- The life of a celebrity is just not fair. Lindsay Lohan, the starlet battling Amy Winehouse over whose name will forever be synonymous
with “Rehab”, is said to be getting paid to use an
Australian brand of nicotine gum. Other people go to rehab, then wallow in shame and guilt for years while struggling to pay for ways to ease
themselves off of cigarettes. Lindsay Lohan goes to
rehab and gets endorsement deals. Not fair at all. And Jamie Lynn Spears’ sperminator is only 18 years old—just less than 2 years older than
the teenage mom-to-be, making it perfectly legal for
them to have premarital sex, and babies that will be a third of their age by the time Jamie Lynn and Casey Aldridge are 24. Yea!
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Dec.20-Jamie Lynn Spears is still making headlines—and she will for the next 6 months and beyond as her 16 year-old tummy swells. We’re
thinking that she won’t be any worse of a mom than
her sister, Nicole Richie, Lily Allen, or Jessica Alba. At least these unfit mamas can hire 24-hour rent-a-moms to take care of their babies
while they party, drink, do drugs, smoke, and don’t eat.
Casey Aldridge, Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend and babydaddy is 19 years old. Is that legal? And celebrity blogger Perez Hilton is on a rampage
against YouTube for suspending his account
unannounced. Aren’t we all? It’s not enough to read his rants, we must see the pudgy man in person! It makes the irony of his comments on
fashion stand out more.
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Dec. 19-What’s with every single star under 24 getting pregnant? Singer Lilly Allen, 22, confirmed that she’s pregnant. She also said she can’t
give up smoking, and that she thinks stars are bad
role models. Ya think? And proving that the Spears women are the most fertile on the planet, Jamie Lynn Spears has announced her pregnancy.
Jamie Lynn is 16, and the star of Nickelodeon’s
show for teens, Zooey 101--a show that was once nominated for an “Outstanding Children’s Program” Emmy! The premise of the show: a
California high school was once an all boys
academy and has just started accepting girls. The future message this show will carry because of Jamie Lynn: preparatory high school girls have
sex and babies. Awesome! Good move, Jamie
Lynn! At least now we won’t be talking about Britney for a while.
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Dec. 18- What’s with famous people’s moms writing books about their kids? Britney Spears’ mom did it, now Pete Doherty’s mom did it, and
Eminem’s mom is following suit. Suggested titles:
Why My Son is a Junkie…ME!, Why My Daughter Can’t Be in a Stable Relationship…Because I Married an Alcoholic!. Amy Winehouse is
one star who is so messed up, any
book written about her by her mother could become a text book for an advanced college psych course. And did you know that we all have Nicolas
Cage to thank for putting Johnny Depp up on
the silver screen and in our lustful hearts? During a game of Monopoly, Cage suggested to a guitar-playing Johnny Depp that he should try
acting. Badda bing, badda boom, he’s a heart
throbbing star!
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Dec. 17-Pamela Anderson and her husband-of-the-month Rick Solomon are, gasp!, getting divorced after 2 months and change of marriage. Quelle
surprise! This comes only a year after she did
the same thing to Kid Rock. Everyone gives Britney Spears flack for being a crappy mom, but what if your mom kept marrying jobless dudes for a
few months then throwing them out? Pamela
Anderson has 2 sons! And apparently Britney thinks quickie marriages once you have 2 baby boys are the hot new thing; there have been reports
that Britney is planning to wed Osama Lufti in
Vegas soon! Honey, marrying anyone named Osama in this day and age is just not good form.
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Dec. 14-Jessica Alba is pregnant with Cash Warren’s baby! She should contact Nichole Richie to create a support group for anorexically-thin,
pregnant Hollywood starlets. And what would the
most covered song of 2007, Rihanna’s Umbrella, be without a cover from the original artist herself? That’s right! Rihanna made an
acoustic version of her own hit song, Umbrella.
Exciting. And finally, in a completely un-shocking story, US Weekly has named Britney Spears as the worst-dressed celebrity in 2007.
Coming in not too far behind: Perez Hilton—for
dressing like Britney!
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Dec. 13-How’s this for a headline? “Poorly tattooed Asian MySpace dwarf-slut Tila Tequila to host MTV's New Year's Eve Masquerade Party.”
Headline by Fark.com, who got to the heart of that
story in no time! The MTV New Year’s freakfest will also have performances and appearances by Kid Rock, Perez Hilton, Paramore, Fabulous, and
Mary J. Blige. We thought they almost
canceled Tila Tequila’s TV show for being pointless and meaninglessly skanky. MTV has reached a new low. And poor Jessica Simpson is having a
dumpy holiday season; her latest movie,
Blonde Ambition sucks so bad it’s being released straight to DVD! We hope her relationship with that football guy works out.
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Dec. 12-Word on the street is Pamela Anderson and her husband Rick Solomon, former star of A Night in Paris, are getting their own
reality show. How they’re going to film anything with
the aging Baywatch beauty queen and the perennial looser that is OK for American television is beyond us. P.S. How old are her kids?
American Idol’s Fantasia is gonna get it from Oprah! Since Fantasia began starring 7 months ago in Broadway’s Color Purple,
produced by Oprah, she’s missed 50 performances.
Girl, nobody gets that many sick days without getting the axe, not even Broadway divas. Perhaps Fantasia thinks Britney Spears is the greatest?
Spears, after all, fervently enjoys missing court
dates. Her excuse? She’s sick…with “anxiety”. Get a backbone, ladies, or get outta town!
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Dec. 11-How’s this for incestuous: Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab and busy working on her new album with none other than, drum roll please, J.R.
Rotem! That’s right! He’s the slime ball music
producer who is also the probable father of Britney Spears’ third baby! Britney Spears worked with him on her new album, Blackout, and
it totally flopped. Whose genius idea was this?
Maybe Britney and Lindsay will have half-related kids, and the Hollywood incest can continue! And Paris Hilton rescued a little person who
sliced his leg open while he was portraying an
Oompa Loompa in Miami. She apparently kept the little dude from getting smooshed against a metal stage by the crowd. Awwww.
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Dec. 10-Cher is sick, P. Diddy is diddling his protégé, Ellen is cleaning up animal shelters, and Eva Longoria spent $12,000 at a Target in San
Antonio. Oh yes, and Amy Winehouse is receiving
“medical attention” for her drug problems. It’s already shaping up to be a star-tastic week! Cher apparently has a mystery stomach illness,
much to the despair of gay men everywhere. P. Diddy
has been on the splits with his baby’s mom, Kim Porter. Why? Because he’s holed himself up in Miami with Cassie, his barely legal protégé.
Ellen is covering her butt after having her dog taken
away by an animal shelter by starting a new group that’ll clean up dumpy animal shelters across America. And finally, Eva Longoria somehow
managed to spend the price of a SMART car on
stuff at Target. Isaac Mizrahi must be shocked.
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Dec. 7-Britney Spears and Paris Hilton: BFFs, right? Proving that life and people don’t get any better after high school, Britney Spears has
slammed Paris Hilton with an ultimatum: Be nicer to me
and my friends, or we’ll put a video of you doing lesbian things on the internet! And these are the people in our society who earn $30+ million
dollars a year. Sheesh. Stars who earn tons of
money and haven’t launched huge catfights as of yet? David and Victoria Beckham. If she’d eat chocolate cake and admit to it, they’d be the
coolest couple alive.
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Dec. 6-Lindsay Lohan had a photo shoot recently in LA with none other than Spiderman, The Hulk, Batman, and Robin! Girl sure gets around. Guess
you have to do all kinds of publicity when
you’re falling off the charts as one of the most highly paid stars under 25 years old. According to Forbes, La Lohan only made $3.5 million
last year. That puts her at 18th. And as she constantly
goes in and out of rehab like it was a bathroom, industry people aren’t lining up to hire her for anything, for fear she’ll bail. Poor Lindsay
Lohan. Looks like she can take that measly $3.5 million
and use it to wipe her tears. Meanwhile, Britney Spears donned her favorite hot pink wig and drove around LA like a nutcase, apparently
oblivious that her career is more wrecked than Lindsay’s.
Since Britney doesn’t need her money to wipe the tears she doesn’t even know she should be crying, can we have it?
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Dec.5-Paris Hilton was spotted out and about with her new mantoy of the week, Swedish pizza boy turned model Alex Vaggo. Paris wore a brunette
wig in a very lame attempt to appear
incognito… Just a suggestion, Ms. Hilton: if you want peace and quiet, don’t go out in Hollywood. Perhaps by wearing the ridiculous wig she was
paying homage to Britney Spears; after
spending the requisite amount of time with her pizza-model-man-toy to make it appear like they’re dating, Paris scooted off to Britney Spears’
26th birthday party at the Scandinavian Mansion of
Style. Perhaps Paris could’ve made a better homage to Mommy Spears by opting out of her undies for the evening.
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Dec. 4- Looks like our spring wardrobe will be filled with Versace! With Partick Dempsey as the new face of the fashion house’s men’s
Spring/Summer ’08 campaign, it’ll be hard to resist any of
their creations! And another hottie alert: David Beckham reportedly spent $100,000 on a diamond bracelet—for each of the Spice Girls! And
Angelina Jolie complains that Brad Pitt is a frivolous
spender… Finally, we have to admit we have a girl crush on Megan Fox. A picture of her taken at the Juno premiere Monday night confirms
that she’s quite possibly the most striking
woman we’ve ever seen.
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Dec. 3 - Singlehandedly bringing sexy, healthy, curvy bodies back, Beyonce Knowles strutted her stuff Sunday at the Movies Rock event. Wearing
a curve-hugging, boob-popping emerald
fishtail gown, Beyonce should be a shoe-in for the title of Sexiest Woman Alive. And our nomination for Hottest Man Alive: Christian Bale. This
deliciously ripped specimen will be in the
upcoming Terminator 4 sequel, ensuring that this time around, girls will be dragging their boyfriends to Terminator and not the
other way around.Finally, Britney Spears is
reportedly pregnant again. Why is it that terrible, skanky people like Britney can get pregnant just thinking about it, while good, kind women
can spend years and thousands of dollars on fertility
drugs hoping for the same result? The world is cruel.
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Nov. 29 - Sorry drooling girls, Brad Pitt has publicly stated that he will no longer do nude scenes, because he’s a daddy. Although we’re sad,
we completely understand; showing his kids
virtually unattainable perfection might make
them obsessive-compulsive freaks in the future, when they try to emulate their daddy. Good move, Brad!
Ashley Tisdale performed at the annual Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting, Wednesday night, making people around the world ask one of two things:
1. Who the heck is that? and 2. Why am I not
famous? At least I lip sync the right
words to the right song. It is actually possible that she screwed up more than Ashlee Simpson or Milli Vanilli. So again, we ask: why is she
famous?
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Nov. 28 - We’re officially making Wednesday “Blonde Bimbo” day. Because there are certainly enough blonde bimbo stories with which to fill an
entire year of Wednesdays. Kicking off this
glorious day in celebrity news: Britney Spears! Whether she dyes her hair brown, or shaves it all off, she’s still blonde in the brain. Proof?
This week in Spearsland, Her Blondness entered
Hustler store in West Hollywood, then threw a fit when she learned she was not allowed to try on the skanky undergarments in the fitting rooms.
What’s a girl-who-desperately-needs-underwear
to do? She took off her underwear in the middle of the store and tried on a pair of boyshorts.
In further underwear news, somebody needs to buy Paris Hilton a chastity belt, because she wants to have kids and we’re afraid of a world with
any more of her DNA in it.
Disclaimer: The writers of this blog are, in fact, blonde, and wish to highlight the fact that there are many smart, accomplished blondes, who
are not dumb bimbos. Thank you.
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Nov. 27 - Another celebrity sex scandal in the making? Kim Kardashian claims she had items stolen from her luggage at NYC’s JFK airport this
past weekend. What was stolen? $50,000 in jewelry,
her laptop, and her digital camera. Might she have lost them on purpose?
And now for the briefest news briefs: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are still going strong. Lindsay Lohan has a thing for Pinkberry—the most
ridiculously over-priced fro-yo on the planet.
Britney Spears was photographed looking like a decent human being. Washington Redskins safety, Sean Taylor, was murdered at his Miami home
Monday morning. And Details magazine
confirms their total lack of journalistic integrity by pronouncing Kevin Federline as the 7th “most influential man under 45”, and putting his
ugly mug on their cover.
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Nov. 26 - Did They Eat? Let’s play a little post- Thanksgiving guessing game. We’ll name a celebrity, then you decide if they ate anything over
the Holiday of Gourmands or not. Ready? OK!
(Our
hypothetical answers are in parenthesis.) Kim Kardashian. (Yes! She’s got a very womanly body. No starvation there.) Angelina Jolie. (Does
alcohol count?) Britney Spears. (She ate it all-bones
and everything!) Nichole Richie. (We can only pray…for the sake of the baby.) Paris Hilton? Hilary Duff? You decide!
P.S. Hulk Hogan’s wife is divorcing the big guy after 25 years. She’ll get half of his stuff for sure. But why divorce him now? All of the car
crashing scandals and horrendous TV shows have
already come out! The worst has passed, honey!
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Nov. 21 - Matt Damon is officially the sexiest man alive! Taking this honor seriously, the hottie was recently seen jogging with his dad in his
new hometown of Miami Beach. Way to go, Matt!
And what celebrity news brief would be complete without a bit of Britney Spears gossip? Drum roll please…Britney is now dating…a waiter! She
must really not like her money, because the only
dudes she goes for are gold diggers. And while female gold diggers can be quite beautiful, the dudes always seem like ugly, lame, uneducated
slackers. Double standard? Absolutely. But that’s
how it goes. Get a job, boys! Britney can only get around so much—by the time she gets to you, there’ll probably be nothing left!
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Nov. 20 - Soon-to-be mommy Nicole Richie dropped into a substance abuse treatment center today. Why? To fulfill the traffic school duties the
CA courts gave her for driving under the
influence of Vicodin and marijuana. Let’s hope that’s the only reason she popped in. Otherwise her baby will be…well, what are the effects of
marijuana on a fetus? Maybe her baby will be the
most relaxed and chill little dude on the planet. Perhaps Nicole Richie knows more about pre-natal care than we thought…
P.S. Did you ever notice that Kim Kardashian looks like a porn star? Like she was naturally born with the very fake plastic surgery look of a
bad porn star? Incredible.
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Nov. 19 - The voluptuous Kim Kardashian was recently seen shopping at a Ralph’s supermarket. She was probably going to eat something to
celebrate her show’s success; it’s been picked up
for a second season. Yes, that’s right boys and girls. A show as brainless as “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” will numb the minds of American
females aged 18-34 in the spring, since her
role-model defining episode in which she posed for Playboy averaged 1.13 million total viewers on November 4th. No word yet on whether the show
will be renamed with the more applicable title:
Terminal Cerebral Malfunction with Big Boobs.
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Nov. 16 - Post-rehab life isn’t all sunshine and roses for Lindsay Lohan. Sure, she “found” herself, her purpose in life, what’s important,
yadda yadda yadda, but just because she has a new
perspective on her life, LA county
prosecutors don’t. She had to spend exactly 84 minutes in the same Detention Center that Paris Hilton spent almost a month in. Why? Um…car
chases? Multiple DUI arrests? Do LA cops even
need a reason now? They could just arrest
her and find something wrong, we’re sure. Stay sober, honey.
In further reinvented star news, the Spice Girls came back in a major way when they performed at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show looking
absolutely glamorous and spectacular. Honestly, the
possibility in our minds of a successful
Spice Girl reunion probably rested somewhere between the possibility of Santa Claus bringing us new Porsches for Christmas this year, and the
possibility that Britney Spears will ever look hot
again. Way to prove us wrong, gals. Rock
on.
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Nov. 14 - “Rehab” star, Amy Winehouse, kicked off her U.K. tour on Wednesday drunk and slurring her words. At one point, she even called people
in her audience “monkey cunts”. Quick!
What drunk starlet sings about not going to rehab while her house is raided for drugs and her husband is incarcerated for them? Her parents
must be so ashamed.
In further news about unattractive people who have gained notoriety for no good reason, Rumer Willis will be “Miss Golden Globe 2008”. She will
be your onstage trophy girl, following in the
footsteps of other celebutantes including Linda Evans, Joley Fisher, Laura Dern, and Melanie Griffith.
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Nov. 13 - Angelina Jolie may loose her daughter, Zahara! A woman in Zahara’s native Ethiopia, who claims to be Zahara’s birthmom, says she
wants her returned home so she can “regain her
identity”. Angelina adopted Zahara two
years ago, and was told the malnourished baby was an AIDS orphan. Do you think this happens to normal couples who adopt outside of the United
States? We actually feel badly for Angelina
Jolie and Brad Pitt on this one.
In further baby news, Britney Spears’s kids, Sean Preston and Jayden James, are absolutely adorable! How could she not take care of them! For
shame!
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Nov. 8 - Britney Spears appears on US Weekly’s cover this week—looking like a total freak. There could not be a more incriminating photo for
anyone—especially someone in a custody battle
with her looser ex. If you haven’t seen it, think pink leopard, a feather boa, fishnet tights, and a mesh-covered chubby tummy. Eww.
Talking about strange looking celebrities, Amy Winehouse is in headlines—because her house was raided by the London police! Why? No official
word yet, but we’re guessing drugs. Just a
hunch.
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Nov. 7 - Scandal alert! Sir Paul McCartney was seen making out with New Yorker Nancy Shevell in the Hamptons this past weekend! And that’s not
all! Nancy is currently married to some
lawyer in Long Island! Who can blame Sir Paul? His ex, Heather Mills, is a complete psycho. She’s always been known to be a scheming control
freak. Then she tried to redeem herself on
“Dancing With the Stars”, only to make America’s Queen of Talk TV, Barbara Walters, call her out for being a terrible human being. Paul
deserves some happiness in the arms of a good looking
brunette, but he should probably stay away from the married ones. Just sayin’.
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